In a couple of my recent posts at Loveawake dating site blog I talked about how I met a really cool chick named Teri. We went on a first date, hit it off, made out at the end of the night, and then did a second meetup where she threw me a curveball. Since then we’ve been on one additional date that went really well. We’ve slept together, too. We were on hold for two weeks because she was out of town and I’ve maintained a connection with her via text and Facebook.
Teri is a really great, high quality woman and I’d love to develop our connection into an actual relationship.
The thing is, because of her love style, I’ve been having a hard time moving us forward. She strikes me as being very cautious or possibly an inexperienced flirter. What happens is I’ll flirt with her and that flirtation will get dodged, ignored, or changed into a chick version of a neg (mild tease). For me, this is disconcerting because I’m really flirty and I feel it’s necessary to keep the attraction levels amped in the early stages of dating.
Here’s a sample exchange of ours over text message:
Her: …back was hurting from playing golf today.
Me: I see back and shoulder massages in your future. Get ready for a rubdown.
Her: You’re perverted. Or not. But I’ll email my massage therapist right now. [She actually has a regular massage therapist and it ain’t me]
In the above, she does a takeaway where she negs me by calling me perverted, then another takeaway where she says she’ll contact her therapist…another dude. My “rubdown” line was a little cheesy, but nothing too over-the-top. I mean, what’s a little goofing around over text message, right? What irks me is that she won’t simply say that she’s looking forward to seeing me or whatever it is I’m trying to flirt about.
Another clear cut example is if I text her with, “Hey, can’t wait to see you when you get back,” and I get a negative response. That’s happened and it’s annoying.
Her dodging my flirtation has the effect of killing my attraction. I’m tweaked because she slapped down my IOI, so then I ignore her by not texting or contacting her for the rest of the afternoon while my attraction recovers.
You’re thinking this is probably not a big deal and I’m reading into it too much. The problem is this type of exchange happens too frequently. I’d say for every 10 flirtations I fire off, I’ll get back one positive one back, with the rest either takeaways or completely neutral. That’s a bad ratio. You’re next thought might be, wow, maybe Teri isn’t attracted to me. Maybe she thinks I’m a douche. I’m well calibrated enough to know that we’re on the same page, and I know that the communication of attraction and affection is the issue here. Take my word for it.
What I did was a bunch of research. I’m love astrology and I really dig how our birth sign reveals who we are, particularly our love styles, so I looked up everything I could find on Sagittarian women and how to seduce a Sagittarius. I found some interesting results.
“Sagittarians love impulsiveness. Most of the time, they have no inhibitions and if you charm them the right way, they will be interested in having a more intimate connection with you. Stay confident. If you are negative in any way, Sagittarius will view it as a bad attitude and will lose interest quickly. Sex comes first for a Sagittarian, so be direct in how you approach them.”
Second Result, which was insightful:
“Sagittarius is a mutable fire sign symbolizing idealism and independence. Sagittarius loves to wander and travel…Don’t pin this open-minded Sagittarius down. Give her plenty of space to grow. Try to be a friend rather than a lover!
The dual sign Sagittarius has two distinct parts: the upper side is human (idealistic and philosophical), the lower part is animal (fun-loving). You must be willing to cope with both sides if you want to seduce Sagittarius.”
I found this tidbit on an astrology site specifically for woman, so the text refers to a Sag man, but I thought it was highly relevant:
“If you have ever dated the archer, you know he is good at dating, but he’s a little tricky to catch. Sagittarius is symbolized by the Centaur — half horse and half man — which clearly gives him the ability to remain independent and roam the planet like a wild stallion, only slowing down long enough for sexual conquests and many short-term relationships.”
BOOM. The common thread here is the dual nature of the Centaur (the human and the animal) and how Sags are super independent. I also saw on a couple of sources that Sags are cocky. This tells me that Teri will hang onto her singlehood and independence for MUCH longer than I would normally expect, and that all the takeaways and dodged flirtations are her natural way of keeping our connection from getting past a certain stage. Put another way, she’s keeping me from getting too boyfriendy too soon.
The unfortunate side affect is that her dodging my flirts is irksome and conflicts with my Gemini nature. I’m super flirty, I want to get close, and I use flirtations to maintain sexual tension. Without flirting, I’m an unhappy Gemini. Being clever and flirtatious is at the core of my being. So, as you can see, there’s a communication issue here.
My take is I have to be patient and let her move forward at a pace she’s comfortable with, even though that pace might feel unnatural to me. I’m also going to start communicating with her that she needs to step it up in her responses and her ability to flirt with me in order to make me happy. Even at this early stage of dating, some compromise has to take place.
Long term, I have no idea if a relationship is in the cards for us. It’s too early for that. But you know what? I’ll stick it out and see where it goes. I’m having a blast, the sex is great, and I’m learning about a new love style.
What You Can Take Away From This
A lot of seduction is based on pushing certain buttons and getting a reaction, especially in the very initial stages of attraction. That might get you to a certain point, but it breaks down completely after the first date or so. Basically, once you’ve started dating someone, you’ve entered into a “relationship,” and to advance that relationship requires a far more advanced skillset. Calibration becomes absolutely critical and you have to think strategically, where seduction is almost entirely tactical thinking.
Compromise also comes into play, whereas in pickup there is little compromise. Just like in a business relationship, expect a fair amount of negotiation to take place as you move towards an LTR.
What I recommend is, do your homework and learn about the person you’re dating. Go online and read some astrology and get insight on the different love styles. Ask questions directly but don’t freak them out because you want to know why your partner sucks at flirting. Never expect every person to have preferences that are aligned with your own when it comes to pacing, flirting, and relationship building. Everyone is unique. Importantly, you must expect to make adjustments or else you won’t get anywhere.
Also, it’s safe to assume that MOST people aren’t skilled at relationship building and that there are going to be mistakes. This is especially important for us dudes, because we’re generally ham-handed and non-intuitive about the stuff.
I think this becomes especially significant as we get older and more self-aware about our standards. It’s way too easy to write someone off because you don’t have automatic chemistry. Automatic chemistry is bullshit and only happens for the lucky 1%. For the other 99% of us, we have to think strategically and work with our partner to move forward.